1 UP

I feel like whenever I update my blog I’m not doing too great. Well, “not too great” in the general not doing overly brilliant world of mine.

Oh aren’t I just making a fantastic job at turning this into something uplifting and positive. - I’m trying, just wait for it.

In the meantime let’s just face the reality…

“So if I have a hot shower and wash my hair now, I probably won’t make it to university because I’ll just end up sitting on the sofa in my dressing gown like soggy, wet lettuce because all my energy just got washed down the drain”

I always feel so stupid when someone asks me what I’ve been up to all day. I know it doesn’t sound a lot when I say I spent my day studying at home and cooking lunch. But actually that’s probably the reason I’m able to sit next to you and enjoy this coffee we are having. Yes, life is such hard work! A shopping tour takes it out of me completely and I’m probably ready for my bed after the third shop.

I do keep going as long as I possibly can but when I overdo it, it’s more like the point of no return - there’s really no going back a step and just taking a deep breath. Game over.

The last two days I’ve spent “recovering”, getting ready to start at Level 1 again and then slowly start working myself back up to my baseline.

Little steps, right? My baseline isn’t good and it’s not at the point where I should stop.

I know.

I have all these plans and pictures in my head of me doing 30 minutes Yoga every morning, followed by a lung exercise session and a big walk around the blocks in the afternoons to bump up my lung function and build up some muscles.

It sounds so easy but I haven’t found a way to make it work, while trying to juggle studying, my social life and just the necessities to maintain a certain level of health at the same time.

Actually, I hoped I would have figured out a masterplan by the end of this blog post. Well I guess there isn’t a long term plan, that even if I did follow religiously would help me reach my goals. How do I define my goals anyway?

There’s no Bowser waiting for me to defeat.

Level Up! That’s the only things that counts.

I Quit...

...taking steroids!

Not the type Schwarzenegger and Co. take to help their muscles grow, but the ones that literally eat them away. Make your face look like a balloon and give you about as much of an immune system as new born baby has - even leaving you sleep as much as one because you constantly feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. Add the the patience and mood swings of a pregnant women to the mix, lean back and enjoy the roller-coaster ride with all its highs and lows.

I can't dismiss that these nasty little ‘sweeties’ eventually helped to clear the eosinophilic infiltrates in my lungs and stopped the wicked asthma attacks I had. But there have been phases while taking steroids where I wasn't sure if the negatives weren’t outweighing the positives. Especially when I really wasn't feeling well lung wise and having to cope with stupid side effects on top of not being able to breathe properly.

This long course of systemic steroids has left me with weak muscles and bones - but that isn’t something that isn't reversible, although it definitely will take some time to "heal".

But it's not just the physical damage I'm still fighting with, but with the psychological. 

The last two years not one day has passed, without me having to really push myself to continue taking this (evil) medication. In a way it was in control of me.

I couldn’t just chuck the pills out of the window when I literally couldn’t face my own face anymore. 

You have to give your adrenal glands time to wake up again and believe me, they are about as hard to get out of bed as my teenage sister. 

It's been a stressful time and even though it's over now, the feeling of something being stronger than me and my will is still haunting me.

I still relay on a bunch of medication to help my little and sometimes very tired lungs to do their job and I am helping my adrenals out with a 'homeopathic' dose of hydrocortisone but I'm over the moon that I'm finally able to give my body the chance to show me what it's capable of doing on its own again.

Don't disappoint me.