Downwards and Onwards

My lung function has been permanently low but fairly stable the last one and a half years. I’ve had my downs in-between but up to now, we’ve always seen my numbers bounce up again after a couple of weeks. Though most drastic drops have led to me stabilising at a slightly lower baseline and so we have been seeing a “controlled” downward trend in the amount of air I can get in and out of my lungs.

I didn’t expect my lung function to drop, like the pound exchange rate, after announcing the Brexit.

Back in January, we thought my lungs just fancied marching to a different tune - so we let them and agreed on subtly sweeping those numbers under the mat, optimistic I’d be back on the right track in no time.

A month later my lungs presented even smaller and weaker. With another decrease in forced expiratory volume and increase of residual volume, so the amount of air that is trapped in my lungs, making taking deep breaths quite difficult and telling my stomach it's full when it actually isn't. 

This time I wasn't particularly surprised getting those results in black and white, as I had been noticing a decline in my physical endurance the past weeks.

However, we remained confident switching up a few meds and adding a bit of PEP (Positive Expiratory Pressure) training to my daily routine would sort things out again.

Which leads us to today. To another drop. To having my respiratory consultant apologising to me for not knowing what to do, telling me he is sorry that the treatment I'm receiving hasn't been that big breakthrough we were hoping for. And expressing his concern regarding the future if my lungs don’t start stabilising and improving pretty soon.

I know there's no point in beating around the bush and I shouldn't cling onto numbers. But it is fact that there doesn't seem to be a suitable drug available at the moment, to break the cycle I'm stuck in. 
Which makes me wonder if hamsters ever get frustrated that they don’t move forward despite running.

I’m not discouraged, I’m just taking some time to clear my mind. Often I won't admit it, but I do have moments where it just hits me and today I had one of those.

I know no one expects me to run towards the things that are important to me, yet I have to remind myself every now and again, that I’ll get there, even if takes longer than I want it to.