Hiccup

"a temporary or minor problem or setback"

Not going to lie - I felt it coming, but I didn't expect it to escalate quite the way it did. 

I knew I was in big trouble, when I reached the point where I didn't want to be left alone in my room - the thought of not being able to breath and having no one near by, made me feel rather distressed.

Just standing up caused my oxygen saturation to drop down to numbers I had only seen during severe asthma attacks in the past.

A&E handed me over to the pulmonary ward more or less straight away - there wasn't much point in faffing around pretending this was going to be quick fix.

My lungs had partially collapsed due to the inflammation and mucus stuck in my airways. Intensified breathing treatments and high flow oxygen definitely made me feel a lot more comfortable but weren't solving the problem. Every time I moved more than two centimetres I had the nurses rush into my room as my monitor went off. 

I know there isn't such a thing as a good time when it comes to having your health worsening - but the timing my body chose did feel particularly inconvenient. I fought so hard to get myself healthy enough to finally study something I'm truly passionate about. These past months have been extremely challenging but also rewarding months - I've done so well up to now and I'm definitely not letting this setback stop me from completing what I've started. 

During my hospital stay a bronchoscopy was performed to clear out my lungs and hopefully get an idea of what caused this exacerbation. The actual procedure was successful, despite not being quite as easy as planned.
Whereas coming round from anaesthesia was a bit traumatising.
I honestly can say there are nicer ways waking up than in the middle of an asthma attack. - Actually don't blame my body for not being impressed and choosing a time out. 

Waking up the second time felt a lot better. 

The following days consisted of slowly weaning me off high flow and getting me back on a decent amount of supplemental oxygen, while working on my strength and breathing with a physiotherapist.
The test results we were waiting for made it even clearer my current therapy needed a bit of adjustment. Only time will tell if we're on the right track. 

I’m home now but these past weeks have really taken a toll on my body.
It’s taken solid two weeks to get my walking distance to the point where I can leave the house and actually make it back without needing a ride home in my wheelchair.

I wouldn’t say I have been, or currently am being patient with myself. Rather tolerating this situation, while being incredibly grateful for the support I’m getting from all sides. Knowing me I probably always will fight the help to a certain extent but I’ll never take it for granted.

The next time you have the hiccups I’ll probably be thinking of you.  

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Remember meticulously watching your parents cut your slice of cake, making sure you are getting your fair share, aka. the biggest piece? Throwing a tantrum when your best friend took that last cherry you have been watching over like a hawk?

I'm getting quite greedy in terms of things I would like to be able to do. 

Envy my friends for the memories they are creating, while traveling the world. Feel like I'm missing out on something, despite being the happiest I have been in years. 

Given the circumstances, a psychiatrist probably would tell me to focus on the things I can do and not plough my energy into comparing my achievements and standards to others. 

Valid point.
But I do think me feeling this way, means I'm closer to getting where I would like to be. I remember the days I literally had to live in the moment, it actually didn't even enter my mind to make plans for the next day. So this is rather an improvement. 

Every now and again I just get frustrated that I have to put so much effort and thought into seemingly simple things. There's no just grabbing my purse and off I go. I joke about not being able to make my own bed as I get too out of breath from spreading out my duvet. And rather wait 20 minutes for the tram, than waste my energy I'd need to walk that one stop. 

Actually there isn't a day that goes by without me actively having to fight not to fall over my own two feet. 

Yet I'm somehow managing to study. And coping. So much better than I thought I would be. 

I enjoy going university to the extent, that I actually get quite excited when packing my bag on a Sunday evening, all ready to start a new week. 

Obviously there have been the odd few Mondays all I've wanted to do is stay in bed and not move. But generally, I even look forward to getting out of the house, when I feel absolutely exhausted after having a rubbish night and a quite rough morning, getting my body to function like I need it to. 

Morning tunes

I'm so grateful for the lovely people I met at university. They don't rush me, when I need a little longer to get from one course room to another, help me carry my bag even before I'm visibly struggling and don't question my ability to keep up with them, rather make it possible. 

Though I believe it helps I don't give them chance to assume "I can't". 

But again, some days I just wish it was a tiny bit easier, I could join in on the nights out and on the weekend trips abroad. 

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm really that close physically or if it's just my head telling me "mind over matter".  

I'm working on catching up, making sure I'm getting my fair share.